It’s been a long time, and a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had a third miscarriage, at 7 weeks, got a new job, and we bought a house. It was a busy and stressful summer.

In December we started trying again, and so far I haven’t gotten pregnant. I’m currently 15 DPO, and my period hasn’t started yet. However, I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning, and it was very white and negative. I was crushed. It’s so difficult going about daily life, interacting with people at work, while trying to pretend that everything is okay–that I’m not about to constantly break down into tears. It’s lonely.

I see pregnancy and birth announcements, pictures and videos of siblings playing together, a pregnant co-worker whose office is next to mine… these are all bitter reminders of what I’m missing, what I’ve been waiting for for the past almost 2 years. When is it my turn? Will I even get another turn? How much deeper and darker can things feel? Is this desperation I’m feeling ever going to subside?

If my period is coming, I hope that it arrives very soon. There have been some changes since the last time I was pregnant. I’ve been taking thyroid medication for the past month. I’m not sure if I feel any changes yet, although I do think I have more energy. I’ve been going for acupuncture for almost two months now. I’m on progesterone post-ovulation. I’ve been eating a lot cleaner since January. A lot of my cravings feel muted these days, partly because I’ve been starting to get digestive problems when I overeat, and especially when I indulge in things with a lot of fat. The subsequent stomach pain and nausea is not worth it. I’m not 100% where I want to be in terms of my diet, but I’m a lot closer than I have been in the last 4 years.

It’s possible that the progesterone I’ve been taking is hindering my period from starting. I hope that’s not the case, but it might be.

When it comes to trying again next month, I think I need to really focus on my mental health. In spite of all the other healthy changes, I do feel like I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m sure part of that is due to my troubles with fertility. But I also think I can address some of it. Some of the things I would like to institute this month are:

  • walking every day
  • yoga every day
  • listening to Hypnobabies fertility tracks every day
  • deactivating my Facebook account

I think all of these activities would lower my stress and anxiety levels. I can tell that I’ve been quite anxious in the last while just by being on Facebook and continuously seeing reminders announcements/photos/videos about babies. Every time I get a lump in my throat and feel that seed of desperation. But in addition to that, my Facebook is filled with anxiety and angst due to Trump. I get caught up in the wave, and the doom and gloom, and start worrying about what’s going to happen to this planet. What if I replaced all of that with reading/writing, talking/cuddling with J, and being with E? How would that change my mental state?

I think that needs to be my approach for this month. It’s the only thing left in my control.


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