Weekend’s end

I slept better last night–in contrast to how I’ve been sleeping lately. I woke up “late,” i.e. after 7:00 this morning. I stayed in bed for a bit, wondering if I should take another pregnancy test. Then I got up and walked across the bedroom and felt that familiar trickling feeling. My debate was answered for me.

Mostly, I feel relieved that my period arrived. It means moving forward to the next cycle now, instead of wondering if the progesterone was completely messing up my hormones. I don’t know if it’s mostly in my head, but I feel like my hormones are more leveled out. Since the miscarriage last August, I’ve been having 40+ day cycles. Once I started acupuncture in December, my cycles shortened to 28-32 days–the way it’s been most of my adult life. I’m hoping that means my estrogen levels are lowering. If I’m eating better, it’s almost definite that’s true.

I had haunting dreams last night. I dreamed that my period came, but a little embryo came out with it. I could see the baby perfectly–all its little parts scrunched up, its spine curved.

It’s Sunday night, which never feels very good. Although I don’t mind my job, there’s a sense of dread about going back to work every week. It means starting a frenzied week again, where I feel like I’m mostly on the go from morning to night. It means cajoling E in the morning when she’s sleepy, and it means scrambling to get lunches made, dishes done, and supper on the table. I don’t like it.

I enjoy weekends so much. I like getting to spend days in our house. I like getting to see the sunrise from my office window, and basking in the sunlight when it pours into the living room in the afternoon. I like not having to rush to cook supper, and not worrying about getting up at 5:00 a.m. But I can’t dwell on that too much. This is my life for now.

I still have high hopes to implement my strategies for improving my mental health. I contemplated deactivating my Facebook account all week, and I think I’m going to do it. I didn’t do any walking or yoga this weekend–and I should have. I think I will try yoga tomorrow night. I’m not sure about walking in the morning, since it’s already pretty late.

I always have high hopes about getting into bed early. And once again, the time slips away, and it doesn’t happen. Frustrating. It’s within my power to change it though. And with that, I’m off to bed. I think I’ll listen to a Hypnobabies track when I’m in bed.

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