Not feeling successful

I’ve been making the opposite of progress lately. This is disappointing to me because I feel like I’m wasting valuable time. But I’m in a downward spiral of giving in to my cravings and binging. The sad part is that I can pinpoint exactly when the freefall started—when I ate a big, greasy muffin a couple of weeks ago because I was caught so off-guard when the person offered it to me.

I know this unhealthy eating affects almost every area of my life. I’m desperately trying to claw my way out of this pit because it feels so sad and hopeless in here. I’ve been routinely waking up at 3:30 most mornings, unable to get back to sleep because I’m so anxious. The anxious thoughts often lead to thinking about my past miscarriages and wondering if I’m ever going to get pregnant and have another child again. Meanwhile, the scale creeps up and up and up.

The maddening part is that I know the solution. I have all the answers and all the knowledge. But I’m allowing the impulsive, addicted part of my brain override all of that.

Aside from worries about pregnancy, I also feel the pressure to shed some pounds because of upcoming visits with people I haven’t seen in a while. I know I’ll never be at an ideal weight by that time, but at the very least I could be a little bit lighter, and, even more importantly, I could feel healthier and more vibrant. I’m trying not to let these deadlines apply pressure, because it stresses me out, but it’s hard not to.

In terms of my fertility, I’m at CD 18, and 3 days past ovulation. I think ovulation went okay this month—I got a positive OPK, and my cervical fluid dried up, and I got a spike in my temperature. However, all of those events didn’t exactly correspond in the time frame that I expected them to (ex. my temperature spiked a day later than I expected it to). But according to my chart, we timed being intimate well, so there’s not much more I could have done this month. I was more diligent about starting to be intimate a couple days ahead of when I expected to ovulate. I happened to read that it’s more important to do that ahead of the date, rather than right on the day of ovulation, since it’s good to have some sperm that are already there waiting so that they don’t have to do all the travelling and potentially miss the egg. Who knows. That could just be another “trick” that is a load of shit. After a while, all the fertility advice starts to get kind of exhausting and anxiety-producing.

So now I’m just in the place where I have to wait about 10 more days before being able to test. I want so badly to be pregnant. I think I need to find a way to lower my anxiety in this area, because I’m sure that this excess anxiety isn’t benefitting the chances of conception. Maybe listen to some Hypnobabies tracks this weekend. I got pregnant so easily every other time—I don’t want to add difficulty conceiving to my list of fertility problems. I’m definitely feeling my age right now.

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