Anxious

I didn’t want to come to work today. Last night, I had it all planned out that I was going to stay home today, but then I remembered I had to take care of getting ready for something important today, so I didn’t have a choice. I was feeling so tired and emotional yesterday, and it felt like it would have been so therapeutic to have been able to take it easy today, do some Hypnobabies sessions in order to calm some of my anxiety, etc. I’m 8 DPO now. If implantation is going to happen, it would be around today or tomorrow. I just felt this urge to try to relax as much as possible today, maintain a peaceful existence, but it wasn’t in the cards.

I’m definitely feeling anxious though. There’s so much longing in my heart. The hard part is that it builds up into anxious energy, and I’m not quite sure how to make that energy dissipate. It’s not like I’m going to do anything that requires too much exertion or that somehow stresses me out mentally or physically. I thought I could feel the faintest cramps today, which would be a good sign. But of course I have no idea if that was completely in my head or not. The whole thing is a total mind fuck.

I don’t know if I will test early this month or not. Perhaps not. My usual MO is not to, but each month also makes me increasingly anxious and more desperate to know.

I’m struggling right now because chocolate found its way back into our lives. MIL sent a package, and it contained chocolate, so it was in our house before we could stop it. I find those situations so difficult because my resolve basically dissolves. And once the wall crumbles, it’s like the flood gates open. I know that I don’t feel good when I get off course like this. Even my feet feel more swollen as I walk around today. So it’s time to get back to the big pot of vegetable soup that I made. I’ve been thinking of going on a vegetable soup diet! It actually sounds so easy and fuss-free to me—calming and peaceful, to be honest.

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