Mixed

I had a simultaneously good and frustrating day yesterday. I ended up staying home, and it really was what I needed. It was a soothing day. I got a Hypnobabies session in, relaxed without feeling guilty, and watched some soothing webinars about fertility. The frustrating part of the day is that I thought I would “treat” myself and I got some junk food. It doesn’t take long at all for toxic food to affect me—I felt so physically miserable for part of the day. Ugh.

Now it’s Friday, and I’m looking forward to a weekend. I think I’m really going to attempt the vegetable soup diet. I’m kind of excited about the simplicity of it, and the fact that it keeps me full and satisfied, and because I know that it’s full of all kinds of different nutrients.

I was thinking yesterday about my fertility, and I realized that there’s a part of me that feels hopeless and a part of me that still feels deep-down that I will have at least one more baby. The fact is, I’ve been successfully fertile in the past. I know it’s possible. So then the question becomes: if I were toreplicate my first successful conception and pregnancy, what changes would I have to make in my current life?

The first one I think of is my weight. The webinars I’ve been watching lately stress how important that is. I do believe it, but I think that I’ve also placed less importance on it because I know so many overweight women who seem to have had no problems having babies. But maybe I’m just not one of those women. I was eating relatively cleanly and I was at a healthy weight when I got pregnant the last time. I don’t think that’s entirely coincidental.

The other factor that really sticks out at me is that I’m hardly ever outside these days, let alone exercising. When I got pregnant, I was biking everywhere—I didn’t have access to a car. So automatically I got fresh air and sunshine that way. In addition, I was going for 3 mile walks several days a week—more fresh air and sunshine. These days, I feel like I go from one dark place to another, and I spend about 95% of my life indoors. I think that has a huge effect on mental health and general happiness. Our climate makes getting lots of sunshine challenging, but there are ways that I could incorporate more fresh air into my life, and I think my anxiety might lessen as a result.

Those are the two major factors. Together, I think they would change my life significantly. I keep thinking about doing all these little things: yoga, journal, meditation, special folate supplements, progesterone, baby aspirin, thyroid medication… What if all of those things aren’t even necessary, and all I really need to do in order to regain my fertility is eat clean and get fresh air?

The only other thing I can think of is that I had that horrible infection after E’s birth, and I ended up on a month of antibiotics. What did that do to my gut, and is that why I’ve had so many problems with cravings and eating clean since then? Is my immune system compromised because of it, and would it build back up again if I stopped eating processed junk?

Thinking about it that way makes me feel more hopeful. I just don’t believe that my fertility could have switched off so completely after my last pregnancy. I can’t reconcile that being true in my mind. I really do believe deep down that the potential is still there.

I’m not sure what that means for right now though. I think I will take this weekend to think about how I can make some changes in my life to replicate my old life. In addition, I think I need to simplify things, maybe cut out some things that I currently do (like watch so many YouTube videos every evening).

Ultimately, though, taking this angle orients me in a more positive direction, and I think that’s vitally important as well.

And that takes me to my current situation. I’m now 10 DPO, and this feels like the longest two-week wait ever. I’m definitely feeling something right now, but I don’t know if it’s PMS or early pregnancy. I think I’ve had a bit of cramping, and my breasts have been kind of sore. It could easily be PMS, but before being on progesterone, I’ve rarely had any PMS symptoms. So I just don’t know, and it’s kind of frustrating. At any rate, I have to decide if I will try to test in two days or so, or if I will wait the full 14 days.

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