discouraged

I was in bed this morning, scrolling through my emails, and I began to feel so discouraged. I read an email saying that obesity is linked to at least 9 different cancers. And then I read more about how synthroid side-effects include hair loss and itchy scalp, which is what I’ve been experiencing lately. My body is not right. Things are not right. I don’t have the patience to experiment with different ways of eating. I just want this weight off NOW. I want to be healthy again, to feel like I’m not predisposed to cancer, to be able to get off of thyroid medication, to get pregnant and have a healthy, confident pregnancy. I am in the wrong-sized body.

I feel like I waffle a lot between being optimistic about my health and having another baby, and then feeling completely hopeless and discouraged. I know that things aren’t hopeless, and I refuse to believe that my body is incapable of having another baby. But the path to getting to that spot feels so long and confusing. And I feel tired and impatient. I’ve been quite good the last two weeks with my food choices—nearly 100% plant-based, and yet my weight loss is negligible. Maybe 1 lb. Admittedly, I do feel better. But I need more than that. It just makes me feel like the only way I’m going to lose weight is if I do something drastic (not unhealthily drastic, but just something radically different than what I’m doing now, which is eating ad libitum). I get jealous of the people who go plant-based and immediately lose a bunch of weight. Why doesn’t that happen to me? Is it because I have a vastly distorted idea of portion size? Is it my thyroid? My lack of exercise? The little treats that I allow myself? I wish I knew which one to tackle. The only time I’ve lost weight consistently is through Weight Watchers. But that method frustrated me because I hated having to count and track things all the time. And I experienced fatigue. But perhaps it’s the only solution at this point—at least, in order to jumpstart things. I still believe in the Starch Solution as a way of eating. It could be that I really need to figure out my portion sizes, though, before I eat Starch Solution or attempt ad libitum eating.

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