Regrets, and rocky emotions

Last weekend, my sister and bro-in-law and nephew visited. It was the first time I got to meet my nephew, and he is delightful. Having visitors is fun, but it’s also challenging for me. The biggest challenge at this point is eating. Their visit, combined with all kinds of available Easter chocolate, made it very hard to stay on track. To sum up, I didn’t stay on track.

The interesting thing is that my body definitely pays for it now when I stray off the path of healthy eating. That doesn’t stop me from doing it, but it’s increasingly giving me pause. I don’t seem to tolerate dairy well at all anymore, especially after long periods of going without it. Stomach cramps, nausea, diarrhea–blech. It’s just not worth it. Right?

But once they left, I had my same old problem of struggling to get back out from the hold of unhealthy food. Whyyyy??? I seem thoroughly incapable of having just one treat. It always snowballs into an extended binge. I did eat quite huge salads for lunch every day, though. But I continued to have digestive issues. And then this morning my weight was down a bit, when I expected it to be up after the dalliances of the past week. It gave me some renewed hope that, if I actually stuck with it, I could make some major progress on my weight in the next few weeks.

At the same time, I’m pretty sure I ovulated this week. I took some of the stress out of the equation by not using OPK’s this month. They just stress me out. I felt kind of unsure about which day I ovulated this week, and I was feeling some anxiety about that. But my acupuncturist reassured me about it today, so I’ll try to just let it go. We timed things okay, but I don’t want to get my hopes up too much. This was the month in which I wanted to be more laid-back about things. So we didn’t have sex every single night like we did last month. Just every 48 hours. If I actually got pregnant this month, it would be a January baby. In the past, I’ve never wanted a January baby because I dislike January so much. So that was part of the reason why I wasn’t going to try so hard to get pregnant this month. But of course, now that I’m post-ovulation, I’m hoping as much as any other month that I’m pregnant, January baby or not. All I can do now is wait.

I’ve been thinking a lot about possible reasons for my miscarriages. And I keep coming back to the idea that there must be some kind of inflammation or auto-immune issue in my body. One other sign is that in the last year or so, I’ve been getting random but very infrequent hives on my arm. Usually just in one isolated spot. They’ll be incredibly itchy, and I can’t really connect them to anything. It’s not always while eating either. Of course, I think the best defense again inflammation and auto-immune issues is to have a super clean diet. At this point, even Dr. McDougall suggests avoiding gluten for those with hypothyroid or other auto-immune issues. I’ve also read about Vitamin D and how important that is in immunity health. And now I’m also getting obsessed with trying to switch out all of my hair, skin and makeup products for non-toxic ones.

In some ways, constantly researching and searching for answers and solutions is exhausting and anxiety-inducing. At the same time, I feel like I need to be actively trying to improve things in order to finally have a baby. Of course, if I’m being honest, the biggest thing I could do would be to eat clean and lose weight. No matter what new thing I discover and/or try, I always come back around to that one simple realization at the core of it all: losing weight would have a profound impact on so many things.

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