rainy weekend

A lot has happened since the last time that I wrote… The longer I wait, the more daunting it feels to sit down and post an entry. It’s a rainy Saturday morning now, and I’m sitting in a coffeeshop having a little me time before I start running some weekend errands, so it’s as good a time as any.

I think the last time I wrote I was in the two-week wait, waiting to see if I was pregnant. And in that space of time, I also got (strangely and discouragingly) sick–a fever, sinus congestion, sore ear, diarrhea and nausea. I missed three days of work and felt generally awful. On the third day I went to the doctor and got antibiotics for a sinus and ear infection. I feel discouraged because I’ve gotten sick so many times this past winter, and also because I hate being on antibiotics. At the end of it all, I didn’t feel at all surprised when it turned out that I wasn’t pregnant. I was frustrated because my period didn’t come until 16 DPO, and I really hate the PMS symptoms I’ve been getting since being on progesterone.

The one positive is that my period was much lighter (both in flow and colour), and there were hardly any clots. I’m not sure what precipitated that change. Could it be the prenatal vitamins I’ve been taking? Or maybe the iron (although I haven’t been very faithful about taking iron)? Or is it the acupuncture? I have no idea. I do like it that my cycle seems to be about 30 days long now too, which is the shortest and most regular I’ve had in my whole life (since I’ve started tracking). But the mystery is that this is happening even though i don’t feel particularly healthy and I’m still overweight. It makes me slightly hopeful though.

J and I also got to go and listen to Dr. Esselstyn give his heart health speech a few weekends ago. It was so great to see him in person and to hear his trademark phrases in real time. It was inspiring, And it makes me want to see more plant-based doctors. J and I had a really nice weekend together too. It was a much-needed break that included relaxation and intimacy.

In spite of all that, I’ve been struggling with my eating again. I have the trip to visit in-laws in two weeks, and I’m nowhere near where I wanted to be with my weight. It’s always so embarrassing for me to visit them because those women are all so petite and so hyper-focused on appearance. I can just feel their eyes on me whenever I’m around them, judging my body and judging me. It’s a really uncomfortable way to spend a week.

I’ve been feeling so down about all of this, and I discussed it with Josh, and he is supportive of me going to visit TrueNorth for a week or so. I don’t know if it will work out, but I’m in the middle of pursuing it. Having a week to just relax and clear out my system, maybe daydream about what I can do to bring more meaning to my life, and topping up on my vitamin D–that all sounds so wonderful and magical. I do hope that it happens. I need to return a call to Dr. Goldhamer today to see if it’s possible. Maybe it could be the catalyst that would finally make me turn my life around.

In light of that, I’ve decided to take a month or two off from trying to conceive. Honestly, i want a break from the progesterone, just to see how different I feel without it. But I’ve also been reading so many sources that talk about how much being overweight affects fertility. I have to get real with myself and my situation. I need to get this under control and lose some weight. I honestly don’t feel right trying to conceive again without some kind of change in this area of my health and life. It’s just reached a point where it feels crucial.

As I mentioned, I feel like I’m low in vitamin D. I’ve never had that tested, but I’ve gotten so little sun in the last few years. Even in the summer. I wonder how much that’s connected to me getting sick so much in the last few years (especially this past winter), and if it’s connected to my suppressed immunity in general. And does it have anything to do with my miscarriages? Or maybe it’s contributed to my depression, which makes me feel like I’m always tired and like I never want to do anything. I need to be outside more, but it’s hard when working all day long, and then having so many other tasks and errands to get done on weekends. And it hasn’t exactly been nice weather until very recently (and even now, it’s supposed to rain all weekend).

E is in a sports class, and this past week in their circle time they talked about what they like about their moms. And apparently E said that I like to relax on the couch. So embarrassing. I don’t want to be remembered that way as a mom. I want E (and any other kids) to remember me as fun-loving and active, but also a mom and woman who follows my passions and is creative. I waste so much time doing passive things like watching YouTube videos. Most of them don’t add anything to my life. And yet I’m addicted to them. After a long day of work and running around and managing E, the only thing I feel like doing is relaxing on the couch. Which leads to surfing the internet and watching YouTube. I could be using all that time to follow any number of creative passions: write poetry, brainstorm about making poetry broadsides or poetry films, sketch art dolls. Or I could even use that time to go outside and be active. But I don’t. This is not how I want to be living my life, not how I want to be remembered by my children.

I feel like I have no inertia.

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