Weekend’s end

I slept better last night–in contrast to how I’ve been sleeping lately. I woke up “late,” i.e. after 7:00 this morning. I stayed in bed for a bit, wondering if I should take another pregnancy test. Then I got up and walked across the bedroom and felt that familiar trickling feeling. My debate was answered for me.

Mostly, I feel relieved that my period arrived. It means moving forward to the next cycle now, instead of wondering if the progesterone was completely messing up my hormones. I don’t know if it’s mostly in my head, but I feel like my hormones are more leveled out. Since the miscarriage last August, I’ve been having 40+ day cycles. Once I started acupuncture in December, my cycles shortened to 28-32 days–the way it’s been most of my adult life. I’m hoping that means my estrogen levels are lowering. If I’m eating better, it’s almost definite that’s true.

I had haunting dreams last night. I dreamed that my period came, but a little embryo came out with it. I could see the baby perfectly–all its little parts scrunched up, its spine curved.

It’s Sunday night, which never feels very good. Although I don’t mind my job, there’s a sense of dread about going back to work every week. It means starting a frenzied week again, where I feel like I’m mostly on the go from morning to night. It means cajoling E in the morning when she’s sleepy, and it means scrambling to get lunches made, dishes done, and supper on the table. I don’t like it.

I enjoy weekends so much. I like getting to spend days in our house. I like getting to see the sunrise from my office window, and basking in the sunlight when it pours into the living room in the afternoon. I like not having to rush to cook supper, and not worrying about getting up at 5:00 a.m. But I can’t dwell on that too much. This is my life for now.

I still have high hopes to implement my strategies for improving my mental health. I contemplated deactivating my Facebook account all week, and I think I’m going to do it. I didn’t do any walking or yoga this weekend–and I should have. I think I will try yoga tomorrow night. I’m not sure about walking in the morning, since it’s already pretty late.

I always have high hopes about getting into bed early. And once again, the time slips away, and it doesn’t happen. Frustrating. It’s within my power to change it though. And with that, I’m off to bed. I think I’ll listen to a Hypnobabies track when I’m in bed.

Update

It’s been a long time, and a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had a third miscarriage, at 7 weeks, got a new job, and we bought a house. It was a busy and stressful summer.

In December we started trying again, and so far I haven’t gotten pregnant. I’m currently 15 DPO, and my period hasn’t started yet. However, I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning, and it was very white and negative. I was crushed. It’s so difficult going about daily life, interacting with people at work, while trying to pretend that everything is okay–that I’m not about to constantly break down into tears. It’s lonely.

I see pregnancy and birth announcements, pictures and videos of siblings playing together, a pregnant co-worker whose office is next to mine… these are all bitter reminders of what I’m missing, what I’ve been waiting for for the past almost 2 years. When is it my turn? Will I even get another turn? How much deeper and darker can things feel? Is this desperation I’m feeling ever going to subside?

If my period is coming, I hope that it arrives very soon. There have been some changes since the last time I was pregnant. I’ve been taking thyroid medication for the past month. I’m not sure if I feel any changes yet, although I do think I have more energy. I’ve been going for acupuncture for almost two months now. I’m on progesterone post-ovulation. I’ve been eating a lot cleaner since January. A lot of my cravings feel muted these days, partly because I’ve been starting to get digestive problems when I overeat, and especially when I indulge in things with a lot of fat. The subsequent stomach pain and nausea is not worth it. I’m not 100% where I want to be in terms of my diet, but I’m a lot closer than I have been in the last 4 years.

It’s possible that the progesterone I’ve been taking is hindering my period from starting. I hope that’s not the case, but it might be.

When it comes to trying again next month, I think I need to really focus on my mental health. In spite of all the other healthy changes, I do feel like I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m sure part of that is due to my troubles with fertility. But I also think I can address some of it. Some of the things I would like to institute this month are:

  • walking every day
  • yoga every day
  • listening to Hypnobabies fertility tracks every day
  • deactivating my Facebook account

I think all of these activities would lower my stress and anxiety levels. I can tell that I’ve been quite anxious in the last while just by being on Facebook and continuously seeing reminders announcements/photos/videos about babies. Every time I get a lump in my throat and feel that seed of desperation. But in addition to that, my Facebook is filled with anxiety and angst due to Trump. I get caught up in the wave, and the doom and gloom, and start worrying about what’s going to happen to this planet. What if I replaced all of that with reading/writing, talking/cuddling with J, and being with E? How would that change my mental state?

I think that needs to be my approach for this month. It’s the only thing left in my control.

The Beginning

This is my first entry in my new space. I’ve had other blogs before, but never one like this. At this point in time, I want to remain anonymous so that I feel free to be vulnerable and open. As soon as I know that people I know may be reading this blog, I’m sure a filter would inevitably and unconsciously go up. I don’t want that.

So here I am, 40 pounds overweight, having had two miscarriages, and desperately hoping to get pregnant again and have another healthy baby. My daughter will be 4 in August–I never wanted there to be this much of an age gap between my children. And I am 36, so my time is running out as well.

It’s a constant struggle for me to resist the trap of spiraling into negativity. I’m attempting to repeat mantras to myself, especially when I sense the self-loathing and self-hatred towards my body start to rear its head: “I love myself. I am worth it. I deserve to be happy.”

I want this to be a journey in which I love myself, and good health is the outcome. So many times when I give into unhealthy junk food cravings, it comes from a place of hatred and disgust with myself. I want to start treating my body and mind with respect–feeding it nourishing food that I know will benefit my body, not harm it.

Since I’m currently in a pretty bad place with cravings, I’m going to kick off this new attempt with a two-day juice fast, starting tomorrow. After that, I will hit the potatoes and veggies. I’ll talk more about my diet in coming posts.

This is serious. This is for my health. This is for my (hopeful) baby.