Not pregnant

I just posted the previous post, although I wrote it earlier this week. I feel like I have more to say though. Or, at the very least, I feel like I want to update. When I wrote the last post, I was at 14 DPO. I had glimmer of hope in me that I was pregnant. But then my period arrived the next day. So it’s another month of not being pregnant. I was crushed, and I also felt the old hopeless feeling again. I got my period at work, so I tried to keep it together, but I mostly wanted to just go home and curl up in bed and cry. I kept thinking that I shouldn’t feel bad, should stay positive, etc. But I think it’s important to let myself have a bit of time to feel the emotions too. I’ve tried to get myself to a more positive place since then, which I’m having marginal success with.

The bright side is that I can really tackle the eating and weight loss hard for the next little while without worrying about a pregnancy. I need to keep telling myself that we haven’t actually been trying that long this time around. Before this month (March), our previous 3 months either involved not-optimal timing or sickness. Plus J is stressed out right now, so who knows how much that affects things too.

I stayed plant-based for a whole week, and I was really starting to feel a little better in my body, less bloated, etc. Then yesterday we had supper at M & D’s, and I know they use significant amounts of oil in their cooking. Plus we had chocolate and wine–all things I haven’t had in a long time. It’s amazing how just a taste again really awakens the beast of food addiction. Feels pretty discouraging, to be honest. Not only that, I didn’t sleep well at all last night, and I woke up around midnight with a really unhappy digestive system. I’m still feeling it this morning. Is it connected to the oil/chocolate/wine? I can’t help but suspect so. If that’s not a lesson, I don’t know what is. So miserable.

Even though I stayed plant-based all week and didn’t binge on anything, I felt disappointed with my weight loss, which was minimal (less than 2 lbs). Of course, I got my period this week which could affect the scale as well. I know that I’m impatient–I just am. I think it just underscores my realization in my previous post, though, that I can’t eat ad libitum. At least, not at this point in my life. I think that it takes very little food to fuel my body considering I’m not very active. And that means that I need a reset when it comes to how much food I think I need to eat. Hence my decision to start restricting my portions a little bit. I’m going to give that a try this week.

So here I am on a Saturday morning. I have the opportunity to make this week great and set myself up for a good week. I need to always frame it in that way–I have so many opportunities in front of me. Sure, there are challenges too. But I have so many opportunities, and so much knowledge. It’s easy to start feeling hopeless and discouraged, but that never helps me. I can do this, if I stick to it!

I have the power to change my health and my fertility.



Not feeling successful

I’ve been making the opposite of progress lately. This is disappointing to me because I feel like I’m wasting valuable time. But I’m in a downward spiral of giving in to my cravings and binging. The sad part is that I can pinpoint exactly when the freefall started—when I ate a big, greasy muffin a couple of weeks ago because I was caught so off-guard when the person offered it to me.

I know this unhealthy eating affects almost every area of my life. I’m desperately trying to claw my way out of this pit because it feels so sad and hopeless in here. I’ve been routinely waking up at 3:30 most mornings, unable to get back to sleep because I’m so anxious. The anxious thoughts often lead to thinking about my past miscarriages and wondering if I’m ever going to get pregnant and have another child again. Meanwhile, the scale creeps up and up and up.

The maddening part is that I know the solution. I have all the answers and all the knowledge. But I’m allowing the impulsive, addicted part of my brain override all of that.

Aside from worries about pregnancy, I also feel the pressure to shed some pounds because of upcoming visits with people I haven’t seen in a while. I know I’ll never be at an ideal weight by that time, but at the very least I could be a little bit lighter, and, even more importantly, I could feel healthier and more vibrant. I’m trying not to let these deadlines apply pressure, because it stresses me out, but it’s hard not to.

In terms of my fertility, I’m at CD 18, and 3 days past ovulation. I think ovulation went okay this month—I got a positive OPK, and my cervical fluid dried up, and I got a spike in my temperature. However, all of those events didn’t exactly correspond in the time frame that I expected them to (ex. my temperature spiked a day later than I expected it to). But according to my chart, we timed being intimate well, so there’s not much more I could have done this month. I was more diligent about starting to be intimate a couple days ahead of when I expected to ovulate. I happened to read that it’s more important to do that ahead of the date, rather than right on the day of ovulation, since it’s good to have some sperm that are already there waiting so that they don’t have to do all the travelling and potentially miss the egg. Who knows. That could just be another “trick” that is a load of shit. After a while, all the fertility advice starts to get kind of exhausting and anxiety-producing.

So now I’m just in the place where I have to wait about 10 more days before being able to test. I want so badly to be pregnant. I think I need to find a way to lower my anxiety in this area, because I’m sure that this excess anxiety isn’t benefitting the chances of conception. Maybe listen to some Hypnobabies tracks this weekend. I got pregnant so easily every other time—I don’t want to add difficulty conceiving to my list of fertility problems. I’m definitely feeling my age right now.